Judging and Being Judgmental

26 Feb 2011 2 Comments

by Jennifer "Jay" Bull in Musings

I’ve heard often, especially in the pagan community, that being judgmental is this horrible and awful thing.  The word judgmental is almost sneered when said by certain people, as if it were synonymous with feces.  (kind of like the Red Dwarf line “Rimmer – to rhyme with scum.”)

For a while, I tried to be less judgmental.  Ah, the people pleasing days of my 20′s – I’m so glad that phase of my life is over.  The problem I had with this appraoch – other than I failed utterly and completely at it – is that most of the time, my judgment was correct.   For example, I had one friend during this time who was always late – and by late, I don’t mean a few minutes, I mean hours to days late.  She wouldn’t call to tell you she wanted to cancel plans or that she was going to be late – she just let you wait and wait and wait.  I lost count of how many evenings I sat around waiting for her to show up – this was back in the day before cell phones.  I eventually decided to stop making plans with this person because she was obviously unreliable.  I caught nine kinds of hell from her for being so “judgmental” about her any time I would mention that her unreliability hurt my feelings.

This is one of the many occasions where accuracy has been defined as being overly judgmental.  You see, if you accuse someone of being judgmental instead of taking responsibility for your actions, then you don’t have to improve your behavior.   I call this the “standing on the train tracks” analogy.  There have been so many times in my life where I can see that a friend or loved one is standing on the metaphorical train tracks and the train is coming.  You tell the person, “Hey, get off the tracks, that train is going to hit you!”  They not only don’t listen to the warning, but they argue with you about the existence of the train right up to the point where they go splat.  They often tell you that it is their right to stand on the tracks and your concern for their welfare is judgmental and condescending.

The truth is that often people deflect by calling others judgmental.

I do recognize that being judgmental can bring problems.  I have issues with lots of judgmental people: homophobes, racists, misogynists,  anti-abortionists, and all of those who spew hate in the name of judgment.  When you dislike someone who has never  harmed you or interfered with your life, you have some serious issues to address.

That said, I do think that a certain amount of judgment is required in order to live life.  As in the example of the friend who was always late – after many wasted hours, hurt feelings, and fury, I decided to just end the friendship.  When someone does not take your time or feelings into consideration enough to simply call you and say, “Hey, I am running late” or “I’m sorry, but I can’t make it tonight” it is time to make a break.  Friendship without respect or consideration isn’t friendship.

I’m not a relative moralist – there is good and there is bad and there are shades of gray, but good and bad are not arbitrary lines that change depending on the perspective or culture of the person.  What changes is our tolerance or acceptance of good or bad and the excuses we make for it.

That said, I do believe that the majority of the people out in the world are doing what they can to get by.  This isn’t the easiest of worlds to live in and most of us do our best and screw up along the way.  Hopefully, we learn from those mistakes, and better ourselves as we go.

What I am trying to shoot for at this point in my life isn’t being devoid of judgment, but rather, changing my standards of judgment.  To that end, I am trying not to judge people harshly for mistakes I’ve made.  Why should someone else be held up to standards that I cannot live up to?  This is the problem I have with many legislators – they want to legislate punishment for people “sinning” while they go out at night and “sin” up a storm.  This is unacceptable.  Don’t make laws you cannot live by and don’t judge others on criteria you fail to meet.

My biggest challenge seems to be road rage.  I drive with a great deal of fury.  I don’t like other cars on *my* roads and the people out there who just leave their brights on at night make me want to commit murder.  However, it is easy to make mistakes when driving.  I think I’ve made them all at one time or another.  What I am trying to do is instead of judging other drivers by the rules of the road (or even common sense) I am trying to see them as flawed beings like me.  I’ve accidentally cut people off, I’ve accidentally gone the wrong way down a one way street, I’ve forgotten to turn off my brights (but only that one time – I just forgot they were on in the first place), plus a plethora of other driving errors that have probably annoyed other drivers.  Since I’ve committed these egregious errors, it is more than a little bit hypocritical to get mad at someone else for making the same error.  Judgment tempered with empathy and compassion can really help your perspective of the world.

We all need our judgment.  I think that the world is beautiful but potentially dangerous.  Judgment helps us navigate the world so that we may enjoy the beauty and avoid the dangers.  It is also important to remember that simply calling someone else judgmental is you making a judgment call.

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